KFC - Double Down - Double UGH.

I decided long ago (February... of this year) that this blog was not going to be used to promote fast food chains.
They do a pretty good job of that themselves. I am not going to bore you with facts and statistics about how bad for you fast food is. You know all of that. You also know how delicious and cheap it is, and when you are in a hurry because you are late for your 3:30 nap, you just need a quick stop at Arby's first for a French Dip sandwich, and maybe some curly fries. We all know that. These are everyone's problems. In any case, I don't want to shill for these corporate monsters. I'm not their hype man. Its called Let's Eat LANCASTER not Let's Eat Corporate America.
The problem is that sometimes those corporate monsters create something that cannot be ignored. Usually, its a new mobile telephone or other electronic device (BOOOORRRING!!!), but sometimes, its a tasty new way to have a heart attack.



Enter KFC's new sandwich THE DOUBLE DOWN. A "sandwich" composed of bacon, cheese, "Colonel's special sauce" (...gross) & get this --- the "bun" is actually 2 pieces of fried chicken! Holy SH*T!!!! 
Really though, aside from its "being so full of meat there was no room for bread" or whatever... its not that exciting. Bacon and cheese between 2 chicken patties. Big whoop! Wrap it in a twinkie and dip it in ice cream, THEN I'll be excited to try it.
I was pretty excited to try it though, because "What?! the bun is made of fried chicken??!?! THATS INSANE!!!"

So with virtually no twist of my arm at all, I got the KFC Double Down.

So much has been written all over the internet about how this thing tastes. I can do very little to add to whats already been said. This review HERE is one that I agree with completely. Though, here are some of my own notes in case you don't feel like clicking on that link and wasting another 4 minutes of your day...

1) Do you like salt? hope so... I've had SALT that was less salty than this thing. Expect Diabetes just before your heart stops.
2) Where's the bacon? where's everything but the chicken? in a real sandwich, the bread holds things together and doesn't overpower the other ingredients. The Double Down is like taking two pieces of fried chicken, putting a strip of bacon and a piece of cheese on each and consuming it all at once. Thats not a "sandwich" thats a "mistake"
3) I drank a half  gallon of water while eating this.

Instead of writing about the flavor and the sandwich itself, I will focus on how I felt during and just after consuming this thing.

About halfway through this salt monster, I got tired of eating it. It wasn't that I was full (but I was kind of getting there) or that I felt totally disgusting (I did) but I was just suddenly bored. After like 4 bites the thrill was gone. And it was a very mediocre thrill to begin with. The strange thing was that I could not stop eating it. I guess that's the salt. I kept going back for more until it was all gone. I wanted to stop eating it, but I couldn't. "I can't quit you, Double Down" - My tombstone.

And just like that... it was gone. As I sat, contemplating what I had just done, my phone rang, and it was my girlfriend, I stood up to take the call and I'm not sure if it was the excitement to tell her all about the Double Down or that I stood up rapidly or if the Double Down was working very fast to constrict my lungs, but I most certainly had "shortness of breath". I gathered my thoughts and took a few deep breaths and I was able to describe the sandwich as being "good" and agreed that one Double Down was probably all I would need for the rest of my life. I chalked it up to an experience had, and a lesson learned.

It was now rapidly approaching 5 pm and I was very late for my 3:30 nap, so I went to lay down. I felt very full, and very gross... the kind of way that you feel after eating copious amounts of fast food, it was the come down. It didn't feel good. My guts were tight. And it was like my whole upper body was tight. I couldn't get comfortable. I rolled over at some point and my right arm felt heavy, and had this dull pain all up and down the arm... like I needed to stretch it out, or like I had pulled every muscle in the arm.

This same dull pain was in my neck now too, and I was starting to convince myself that I was in fact having a heart attack. I tried to relax, telling myself that "the most important thing now, is to rest" I thought of calling my girlfriend back but I didn't want to worry her with my hypochondriac tendencies. I started thinking about how I hadn't even written a will yet, and I should probably write one, but now is not the time, but what if it is and I really am having a heart attack right now? All of this proved to be too much to think about and I got very tired, and soon, I fell asleep. I woke up about 90 minutes later (powernap!) in a cold sweat. BUT I WAS ALIVE! I felt like garbage, but I WAS ALIVE! You didn't get me this time, Death!
I promptly made two promises 1) to give Bob Cratchit a raise, and 2) to never again order a Double Down sandwich.

Oddly enough the following day, at lunchtime, I was struck with an insatiable craving for a Double Down. That salty fried not at all delicious deliciousness... The greasy mess... maybe another one won't be so bad...

I resisted such temptation however, and went instead with an Arby's French Dip sandwich. And some curly fries.

KFC Double Down - 1.1


Double Don't.